the ghost you love, your ray of light, will fizzle out without hope

seems like its that time again. time to post another chapter of confessions of a broken heart. usually molly leaves me an angry fan girl comment telling me to post again. not that I really mind... its nice having a fan girl. but seriously, i need to stop procrastinating and post on confessions already... because basically everyone reads that blog and not this one. but hey, 11 followers is not bad at all. and I got the new layout hoping to catch the eyes of a few more followers. so anyway, my last post was sort of poetry (Im still not sure if poetry is supposed to rhyme) and it got kind of a dim turn out. i usually get a bunch of comments regarding my writing so i felt kind of empty to only have one comment on my "poetry." but the one comment i got was from Lily-Pagan whos this reall energetic little blogger. apparently that poem made her cry. Im not sure what to think of that... I feel bad that I made her cry but its a sign that my writing was good enough to make her cry. Lily and I have been going back and forth for awhile. we dont know each other outside of blogger, but confessions (or confessions of a broken heart) inspired her to start writing online. I wanted to effect somebody with my writing so inspiring Lily felt amazing. it might be weird to start calling people you're friends because you dont really know them... but Ive met some seriously amazing people through blogger. Lily-Pagan and Andrea are absolutely great and even though Ive never spoken to them in person, it feels just to call them "friends." I still havent gotten a job. yeah, Im still stalling... Meena said she would try to help me but shes been really busy and stuff which is understandable. but seriously, Im worried about her. she posted about "love" and then wrote a poem about tears. I starting worrying but shes always been the type to keep it inside and smile anyway. but I need to somehow get her to tell me whats wrong or shell keep everything inside until she breaks. Id like to think Im always there for her but if I cant be... I just need to know that shes ok.

PS: the post title is more lyrics. this one should be easy for you, Kelly! ha ha maybe Nicole, too. I dunno how hard core you are about emo music, Nicole...

and always will be: my first orginal poetry (sort of)

I'll be your eyes when you've seen enough
I'll be your breath when the darkness takes it from you
I'll be your fall when everything comes crashing down
I'll be your faith when everything else is broken
Lay your eyes to rest from this bitter world
When I caught your tears, you tried to keep the blood inside of me
Even when you knew
It was too late
I told you I would be your guardian angel forever
But you don't need to see me, just know that I'm there
Close your eyes and lean back
Whenever you need me, do this and you will feel my embrace
I can feel you're afraid
Don't be
I'm here
As I always was
And always will be
But no matter how much you love me
And how much you miss me
Don't forget to wake up
You don't want to be where I am
Please be my anchor to this world
And know that you're never alone

I'm your guardian angel
As I always was
And always will be
~ Andrew L. Kebrara

*all rights reserved. if you steal this for your blog or anything else, please credit*

L-O-V-E is just another word I never learned to pronounce

umhm. I didnt just completely fall off the face of the earth. even though I know most people dont read this thing and they read confessions in stead, Im just not good at letting go. of anything. I was supposed to email Meena and Andrea like... 2 weeks ago. sorry, guys. anyway, I think Amy's mad at me about the tattoo thing. but who isnt? Ive gotten a lot of shit for this tattooing thing. no seriously. of course with the nature of blogging, all my people on blogger that know me needed to say something about my want and desire to get a sleeve. and most of them just told me that I was a fuck head and that I shouldnt do it and I was awful for exposing Meena's innocence. ok, thats not EXACTLY what they said but it was mostly the point. Cassandra was pretty nice to me about it. huh. thanks? oh yeah. well a week or so ago, Meena was telling me how all my friends are "EPQs" which is short for emo prom queens. I still dont know exactly what that means. what IS an emo prom queen? well Meena will probably just comment and say its true and try to explain. so far things have been a volcano of emotions. lately I dont even know WHAT to feel! should I get angry or sad or brush it off or fight back or cave under or what? maybe its better to be numb. or coming to except that fairness and truth is far rarer than unkindness and lies. I want to regret all these things that Ive done but sometimes it just doesnt seem rational to feel sorry for what you did to the people who deserved it. when its hard to be regretful then you shouldnt regret it. like my outspoken opinion of Sunday. I regret how it hurt Amy, but I would never take back all the tears that Sunday cried because of anything and everything Ive said to or about her. Sunday's one of those people that deserve it. I wish it wouldnt hurt Amy and Im amazed and confused that such a great person is friends with Sunday but Ive come to think that I might not ever understand Amy but I care about her anyway. Amy doesnt always love me, but I believe and respect her. love? love needs to be learned. and its something Ive yet to learn or understand. its hard to know who you love when you cant call up how love is supposed to make you feel or how it changes a person. Im sure Ive been changed by love, I just dont know it yet.