L-O-V-E is just another word I never learned to pronounce

umhm. I didnt just completely fall off the face of the earth. even though I know most people dont read this thing and they read confessions in stead, Im just not good at letting go. of anything. I was supposed to email Meena and Andrea like... 2 weeks ago. sorry, guys. anyway, I think Amy's mad at me about the tattoo thing. but who isnt? Ive gotten a lot of shit for this tattooing thing. no seriously. of course with the nature of blogging, all my people on blogger that know me needed to say something about my want and desire to get a sleeve. and most of them just told me that I was a fuck head and that I shouldnt do it and I was awful for exposing Meena's innocence. ok, thats not EXACTLY what they said but it was mostly the point. Cassandra was pretty nice to me about it. huh. thanks? oh yeah. well a week or so ago, Meena was telling me how all my friends are "EPQs" which is short for emo prom queens. I still dont know exactly what that means. what IS an emo prom queen? well Meena will probably just comment and say its true and try to explain. so far things have been a volcano of emotions. lately I dont even know WHAT to feel! should I get angry or sad or brush it off or fight back or cave under or what? maybe its better to be numb. or coming to except that fairness and truth is far rarer than unkindness and lies. I want to regret all these things that Ive done but sometimes it just doesnt seem rational to feel sorry for what you did to the people who deserved it. when its hard to be regretful then you shouldnt regret it. like my outspoken opinion of Sunday. I regret how it hurt Amy, but I would never take back all the tears that Sunday cried because of anything and everything Ive said to or about her. Sunday's one of those people that deserve it. I wish it wouldnt hurt Amy and Im amazed and confused that such a great person is friends with Sunday but Ive come to think that I might not ever understand Amy but I care about her anyway. Amy doesnt always love me, but I believe and respect her. love? love needs to be learned. and its something Ive yet to learn or understand. its hard to know who you love when you cant call up how love is supposed to make you feel or how it changes a person. Im sure Ive been changed by love, I just dont know it yet.

the most ambitious one now holds a smoking gun

i've decided to make all my titles song lyrics. and if you know what song it's from, that's a bonus. i researched more about getting a sleeve tattoo on google. but first of all, ever got the feeling that you don't know how much of a dick you've been until someone is that much a dick to you. i got my first hater reviews. it's seems it was the hot topic of just about everyone's blogs. and almost all of them said that it was a stupid idea. but you know what john lennon said? "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." and i don't want to get caught up in manufactured drama and forget to live a little. i'm completely braced for the fact that i'm going to do stupid things in my life and regret many of them. but if you ask me, regret is proof that you lived. so i'm getting that sleeve tattoo. and from what i've read and heard, it sounds like it's going to hurt A LOT on the underside of my arm. but fuck that, i want a wrap around! it's going to take about 5 hours to get it all at one time. but jensen said he would help us. just the awkward silence on the ride might be the tricky part. i used to be worried about how i'm going to hide it but i had another self realization. it's stupid to hide who you are. and if this sleeve is going to ink a symbol of who i am onto my skin, i don't want to hide it. anyway, i've been more thoughtful and sweet (this post doesn't exactly reflect on that well but you get the idea. or at least people who know me in real life should...) you may remember, but you may not. i can be notoriously dark but i'm trying to establish a better sense of self and i'm finding that underneath it all, the pieces of who i once was are still there. and they play a big role in who i am now. what? i'm a writer! well that's enough for now. tomorrow meena said she would help me find a job. i'm 16 and everyone could use some extra change. i'll have to keep anyone reading this blog updated on my employment. that's all for now. but the new chapter of confessions is coming between monday and thursday so i should be giving you something to read soon. that's weird. the first time i wrote that sentence i speeled "monday" money. i really need a job...

by the way, i'm a little disappointed guys! the blog title is from '...but home is nowhere' by AFI. i AT LEAST expected you to know, kelly! kidding.