your fingers say to come, but your eyes say I should stop it

there comes a time in all our lives that we lose inspiration. when the reasons not to hope seem to outnumber the reasons to hope. it happens to the best of us. the weak and the strong. and in that time, we find ourselves defenseless. even the strongest of will find themselves unable to see the light. although we know that this is eventual, none of us are able to stop it. but the true light does not come over a period of time. the true light comes from inspiration and hope. passion and drive. will and determination. and no matter how ready we are for it, it will at some point be taken from you. but it is in our darkest of hours, that were able to find those who inspire us the most. those who bring glory and light back into our lives. but it is only in rare moments of true clarity that we're able to recognize them. it is only in complete blackness are we able to see their light.

I think since at heart I am and will always be a writer, I should open all my posts with something like that. anyway. everything has been pretty lax around here. nothing too great, really. nothing really even worth mentioning. except... *sigh* molly. Ive been spending more time with molly lately. she lives next door and she has some obsession with lost causes. apparently, I used to be at the top of her list. the good news is that Im only not number 1 because Im not a lost cause anymore. does that make sense? I was thinking of just spontaneously going over there when Im bored. shes a really sweet girl. seriously, she acts a lot younger than she really is, but shes 15. and Im only 16 even though I act older than I am. (gosh, do I act 27 by any chance??) I guess she acts more like 13 and I act more like 18. bizarre. well, I dont know if her parents would mind me popping in. cassandra's mom seems genuinely afraid of me which is really strange for me. I dont really know anything about her parents. I barely even know her brother, jeremy, that well. so it would definitely be risking my hide to random pop in. yikes, I just hope her parents dont watch SVU. kelly says that me and molly remind her of something she'd see on SVU. no damn, thats nice of you kelly! that of course being sarcasm. on another topic, Ive been getting really anxious about this tattoo. Ill have to talk to meena because I know shes still a little on the edge, but I respect that. not everyone has the same view on tattoos that I do. I respect meena, as I always have and always will. well, since blogs (for the most part) are basically thoughts you bother to write down, I should cut myself off. Ill be posting on Confessions of a Broken Heart soon for anyone following that. Ill try to post more and try to think of something more interesting than my useless musings.

PS: the lyrics are from 'punkbitch' by 3oh!3 since no one bothers to guess anymore...

trying to forget everything that isn't you

miss me? Im back from a huge unintentional blogging hiatus. sorry to everyone who reads confessions and wants me to post another chapter. Im about half way done with chapter 9 and I promise you all it by tonight. but this isnt a blog for me to advertise my writing. it's about what I think and if you don't care what I think, why are you reading this? so lets come back to the hot topic of my tattoo. admittedly, yes, Im not going to be getting a sleeve tattoo. but I stand by saying that Im getting a tattoo even if meena isnt coming with me. Im getting a tattoo on my chest. just writing across my chest. its going to say "love doesn't walk away, people do" but I havent planned out the frills. but Ill leave that up to the artist. meena is talking about not getting a tattoo and I would never make her. shes thinking about getting a offbeat piercing instead but Ive been thinking that we wanted to get tattoos. we didnt just want to do something rebellious and offbeat it was about the tattoos. Im hoping she comes with me and gets a tattoo of her own but Im starting to think that she just wont. but in another moment of honesty, Ill tell you. the post title "trying to forget everything that isnt you" is about HER. Ive been really stressed thinking about her and getting really worried. it seems like shes going through something pretty hard but she doesnt want to tell me. I respect that, but weve always told each other everything so its weird for either of us to not want to tell the other something. heh. the more I tell you the more I start getting the feeling and me and meenas story is really typical. Ive always hated stories about the childhood best friend where the girl falls for the guy but it takes the whole book for the girl to tell him and the guy to figure it out. sometimes I worry that me and meena are just one of those. but the difference between whats happening to us and those sarah dessen type books is that this is real. meenas not some whining "feel sorry for me" defenseless girls who in the beginning of the book is rigid and defends herself and then completely flops into being completely dependent. Im not one of those hopeless romantic guys who is always way to romantic with their mushy childhood friend. meena isnt writing hopeless "you don't notice me" poetry well the guy just can't take a clue. the poetry meena writes is always about other people whether anyone believes that or not. meenas not in some unbelievably bad situation that Ill come swooping in and save her from so she can cry into me. so to make a long story short, were not them. but as I said in my last post, I need to know that meenas ok. its a necessity. its not sarah dessen, it's life. real life.

the ghost you love, your ray of light, will fizzle out without hope

seems like its that time again. time to post another chapter of confessions of a broken heart. usually molly leaves me an angry fan girl comment telling me to post again. not that I really mind... its nice having a fan girl. but seriously, i need to stop procrastinating and post on confessions already... because basically everyone reads that blog and not this one. but hey, 11 followers is not bad at all. and I got the new layout hoping to catch the eyes of a few more followers. so anyway, my last post was sort of poetry (Im still not sure if poetry is supposed to rhyme) and it got kind of a dim turn out. i usually get a bunch of comments regarding my writing so i felt kind of empty to only have one comment on my "poetry." but the one comment i got was from Lily-Pagan whos this reall energetic little blogger. apparently that poem made her cry. Im not sure what to think of that... I feel bad that I made her cry but its a sign that my writing was good enough to make her cry. Lily and I have been going back and forth for awhile. we dont know each other outside of blogger, but confessions (or confessions of a broken heart) inspired her to start writing online. I wanted to effect somebody with my writing so inspiring Lily felt amazing. it might be weird to start calling people you're friends because you dont really know them... but Ive met some seriously amazing people through blogger. Lily-Pagan and Andrea are absolutely great and even though Ive never spoken to them in person, it feels just to call them "friends." I still havent gotten a job. yeah, Im still stalling... Meena said she would try to help me but shes been really busy and stuff which is understandable. but seriously, Im worried about her. she posted about "love" and then wrote a poem about tears. I starting worrying but shes always been the type to keep it inside and smile anyway. but I need to somehow get her to tell me whats wrong or shell keep everything inside until she breaks. Id like to think Im always there for her but if I cant be... I just need to know that shes ok.

PS: the post title is more lyrics. this one should be easy for you, Kelly! ha ha maybe Nicole, too. I dunno how hard core you are about emo music, Nicole...

in it's stead

i realized that the pre-post captions i put on confessions of a broken heart are getting more frequent and random. so in it's stead i decided to make this blog to post all my thoughts and feelings. i can't promise i won't get mushy and emotional. growing up so close to meena has given me a clear feminine side. and i can't promise i won't mention meena or amy every third word. but for anyone who's seen and or read my past captions on confessions, they're all about those two. so let's start off with a bang. i'm getting a sleeve tattoo or my right arm. yeah, that's crazy i know. but i was up at 4:30 AM talking to meena on gmail and she mentioned wanted to get a confessions of a broken heart tattoo on the "small of her back" a nice way to say just above her ass. don't get me wrong, i'm flattered by her wanting to get my amateur story blog's title of her back. but i've been wanted to get a sleeve for a LONG time. so we're going next week to get tattooed. meena watched some videos on about.com or something like that. she started freaking out when they started to actually ink the guy. but she promised she wouldn't back out! i haven't actually mapped out my sleeve. but i've got time. but not much more time to post. i'll hopefully be able to post on confessions tonight. bye.

by the way, if anyone knows what song the title is from then i'll give them $20