so what befalls the flawless?

to let go isnt to forget, not think about, or ignore. it doesn't leave a feeling of anger, jealousy, or regret. letting go isnt winning and it isnt losing. its not about pride and its not about how you eppear. and its not obsessing or dwelling on the past. letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts. and it doesnt leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. its not giving in or giving up. letting go isnt about loss, and its not defeat. to let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on. its having an open mind and confidence in the future. letting go is accepting. its learning, experiencing and growing. to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. its about all that have and all that you had. letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. its realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. to let go is to open a door, clear a path, and set yourself free.

after a long unannounced absence ... Im back. I just havent really been in the mood to blog, honestly. but nevertheless, here I am. new layout, as you can see. just got sick of the old one, really. but heres the updates. the tattoo date has finally been finalized. me and Meena are going to get them sometime in early July. its just better to do it over the summer, anyway. part of me still wants a sleeve tattoo, but Im standing by my chest tattoo. of course, Ive heard theyre really painful but Ive prepared myself for it to be mind-numbingly painful. I mean, its a tattoo for Christs sake! why wouldnt it hurt? but Im still dedicated. dedication is very essential in living your life. I think everyone could afford to have some, so maybe Im just overcompensating. I feel like when I was talking about self discovery and not hiding who you are. of course, I still have secrets that Im not ready to tell anyone, but Ill get there. preferably soon, but the nature of secrets, Ill be completely ready to say it, and then I just lose my nerve. I cant think of a specific secret now, but I know that I have darkness lurking behind my temporary smile. I hope my good nature and playful humor lasts longer. but Im afraid that its a temporary high. what can I say? every day Ill wear my heart on my sleeve. I think that theres a certain level of confidence that comes with baring your soul to the world. Im not sure Im there yet, which is the dilemma. a secret is usually a part of yourself that you hide from the world so in hopes that they see you as a better person than you see yourself. of course, Im standing by what I said in the beginning passage. I need to learn to let go. I need to open that door and clear myself a path. and time is of the essence. but, (at least in my case) all the drama seems to happen over the summer. maybe Ill break down and open my Pandoras box of secrets. until then, I can only often you sincerity and believe that you believe me. and before I go, one other thing. I went back to read some of my old posts just to see where Ive been, and Im thinking ... is it just me, or did my posts used to be a lot more interested? they used to provide fresh thoughts and opinions and give me moments of clarity and release. now, I just ramble and complain. I promise Ill try to make these more interesting and more like my earlier posts. promises ... they really pile up, huh?

PS: the post title is lyrics from the song 'the leaving song part 2' by AFI. hell, I just started writing them at the bottom because nobody guesses anymore.

your fingers say to come, but your eyes say I should stop it

there comes a time in all our lives that we lose inspiration. when the reasons not to hope seem to outnumber the reasons to hope. it happens to the best of us. the weak and the strong. and in that time, we find ourselves defenseless. even the strongest of will find themselves unable to see the light. although we know that this is eventual, none of us are able to stop it. but the true light does not come over a period of time. the true light comes from inspiration and hope. passion and drive. will and determination. and no matter how ready we are for it, it will at some point be taken from you. but it is in our darkest of hours, that were able to find those who inspire us the most. those who bring glory and light back into our lives. but it is only in rare moments of true clarity that we're able to recognize them. it is only in complete blackness are we able to see their light.

I think since at heart I am and will always be a writer, I should open all my posts with something like that. anyway. everything has been pretty lax around here. nothing too great, really. nothing really even worth mentioning. except... *sigh* molly. Ive been spending more time with molly lately. she lives next door and she has some obsession with lost causes. apparently, I used to be at the top of her list. the good news is that Im only not number 1 because Im not a lost cause anymore. does that make sense? I was thinking of just spontaneously going over there when Im bored. shes a really sweet girl. seriously, she acts a lot younger than she really is, but shes 15. and Im only 16 even though I act older than I am. (gosh, do I act 27 by any chance??) I guess she acts more like 13 and I act more like 18. bizarre. well, I dont know if her parents would mind me popping in. cassandra's mom seems genuinely afraid of me which is really strange for me. I dont really know anything about her parents. I barely even know her brother, jeremy, that well. so it would definitely be risking my hide to random pop in. yikes, I just hope her parents dont watch SVU. kelly says that me and molly remind her of something she'd see on SVU. no damn, thats nice of you kelly! that of course being sarcasm. on another topic, Ive been getting really anxious about this tattoo. Ill have to talk to meena because I know shes still a little on the edge, but I respect that. not everyone has the same view on tattoos that I do. I respect meena, as I always have and always will. well, since blogs (for the most part) are basically thoughts you bother to write down, I should cut myself off. Ill be posting on Confessions of a Broken Heart soon for anyone following that. Ill try to post more and try to think of something more interesting than my useless musings.

PS: the lyrics are from 'punkbitch' by 3oh!3 since no one bothers to guess anymore...

trying to forget everything that isn't you

miss me? Im back from a huge unintentional blogging hiatus. sorry to everyone who reads confessions and wants me to post another chapter. Im about half way done with chapter 9 and I promise you all it by tonight. but this isnt a blog for me to advertise my writing. it's about what I think and if you don't care what I think, why are you reading this? so lets come back to the hot topic of my tattoo. admittedly, yes, Im not going to be getting a sleeve tattoo. but I stand by saying that Im getting a tattoo even if meena isnt coming with me. Im getting a tattoo on my chest. just writing across my chest. its going to say "love doesn't walk away, people do" but I havent planned out the frills. but Ill leave that up to the artist. meena is talking about not getting a tattoo and I would never make her. shes thinking about getting a offbeat piercing instead but Ive been thinking that we wanted to get tattoos. we didnt just want to do something rebellious and offbeat it was about the tattoos. Im hoping she comes with me and gets a tattoo of her own but Im starting to think that she just wont. but in another moment of honesty, Ill tell you. the post title "trying to forget everything that isnt you" is about HER. Ive been really stressed thinking about her and getting really worried. it seems like shes going through something pretty hard but she doesnt want to tell me. I respect that, but weve always told each other everything so its weird for either of us to not want to tell the other something. heh. the more I tell you the more I start getting the feeling and me and meenas story is really typical. Ive always hated stories about the childhood best friend where the girl falls for the guy but it takes the whole book for the girl to tell him and the guy to figure it out. sometimes I worry that me and meena are just one of those. but the difference between whats happening to us and those sarah dessen type books is that this is real. meenas not some whining "feel sorry for me" defenseless girls who in the beginning of the book is rigid and defends herself and then completely flops into being completely dependent. Im not one of those hopeless romantic guys who is always way to romantic with their mushy childhood friend. meena isnt writing hopeless "you don't notice me" poetry well the guy just can't take a clue. the poetry meena writes is always about other people whether anyone believes that or not. meenas not in some unbelievably bad situation that Ill come swooping in and save her from so she can cry into me. so to make a long story short, were not them. but as I said in my last post, I need to know that meenas ok. its a necessity. its not sarah dessen, it's life. real life.

the ghost you love, your ray of light, will fizzle out without hope

seems like its that time again. time to post another chapter of confessions of a broken heart. usually molly leaves me an angry fan girl comment telling me to post again. not that I really mind... its nice having a fan girl. but seriously, i need to stop procrastinating and post on confessions already... because basically everyone reads that blog and not this one. but hey, 11 followers is not bad at all. and I got the new layout hoping to catch the eyes of a few more followers. so anyway, my last post was sort of poetry (Im still not sure if poetry is supposed to rhyme) and it got kind of a dim turn out. i usually get a bunch of comments regarding my writing so i felt kind of empty to only have one comment on my "poetry." but the one comment i got was from Lily-Pagan whos this reall energetic little blogger. apparently that poem made her cry. Im not sure what to think of that... I feel bad that I made her cry but its a sign that my writing was good enough to make her cry. Lily and I have been going back and forth for awhile. we dont know each other outside of blogger, but confessions (or confessions of a broken heart) inspired her to start writing online. I wanted to effect somebody with my writing so inspiring Lily felt amazing. it might be weird to start calling people you're friends because you dont really know them... but Ive met some seriously amazing people through blogger. Lily-Pagan and Andrea are absolutely great and even though Ive never spoken to them in person, it feels just to call them "friends." I still havent gotten a job. yeah, Im still stalling... Meena said she would try to help me but shes been really busy and stuff which is understandable. but seriously, Im worried about her. she posted about "love" and then wrote a poem about tears. I starting worrying but shes always been the type to keep it inside and smile anyway. but I need to somehow get her to tell me whats wrong or shell keep everything inside until she breaks. Id like to think Im always there for her but if I cant be... I just need to know that shes ok.

PS: the post title is more lyrics. this one should be easy for you, Kelly! ha ha maybe Nicole, too. I dunno how hard core you are about emo music, Nicole...

and always will be: my first orginal poetry (sort of)

I'll be your eyes when you've seen enough
I'll be your breath when the darkness takes it from you
I'll be your fall when everything comes crashing down
I'll be your faith when everything else is broken
Lay your eyes to rest from this bitter world
When I caught your tears, you tried to keep the blood inside of me
Even when you knew
It was too late
I told you I would be your guardian angel forever
But you don't need to see me, just know that I'm there
Close your eyes and lean back
Whenever you need me, do this and you will feel my embrace
I can feel you're afraid
Don't be
I'm here
As I always was
And always will be
But no matter how much you love me
And how much you miss me
Don't forget to wake up
You don't want to be where I am
Please be my anchor to this world
And know that you're never alone

I'm your guardian angel
As I always was
And always will be
~ Andrew L. Kebrara

*all rights reserved. if you steal this for your blog or anything else, please credit*

L-O-V-E is just another word I never learned to pronounce

umhm. I didnt just completely fall off the face of the earth. even though I know most people dont read this thing and they read confessions in stead, Im just not good at letting go. of anything. I was supposed to email Meena and Andrea like... 2 weeks ago. sorry, guys. anyway, I think Amy's mad at me about the tattoo thing. but who isnt? Ive gotten a lot of shit for this tattooing thing. no seriously. of course with the nature of blogging, all my people on blogger that know me needed to say something about my want and desire to get a sleeve. and most of them just told me that I was a fuck head and that I shouldnt do it and I was awful for exposing Meena's innocence. ok, thats not EXACTLY what they said but it was mostly the point. Cassandra was pretty nice to me about it. huh. thanks? oh yeah. well a week or so ago, Meena was telling me how all my friends are "EPQs" which is short for emo prom queens. I still dont know exactly what that means. what IS an emo prom queen? well Meena will probably just comment and say its true and try to explain. so far things have been a volcano of emotions. lately I dont even know WHAT to feel! should I get angry or sad or brush it off or fight back or cave under or what? maybe its better to be numb. or coming to except that fairness and truth is far rarer than unkindness and lies. I want to regret all these things that Ive done but sometimes it just doesnt seem rational to feel sorry for what you did to the people who deserved it. when its hard to be regretful then you shouldnt regret it. like my outspoken opinion of Sunday. I regret how it hurt Amy, but I would never take back all the tears that Sunday cried because of anything and everything Ive said to or about her. Sunday's one of those people that deserve it. I wish it wouldnt hurt Amy and Im amazed and confused that such a great person is friends with Sunday but Ive come to think that I might not ever understand Amy but I care about her anyway. Amy doesnt always love me, but I believe and respect her. love? love needs to be learned. and its something Ive yet to learn or understand. its hard to know who you love when you cant call up how love is supposed to make you feel or how it changes a person. Im sure Ive been changed by love, I just dont know it yet.

the most ambitious one now holds a smoking gun

i've decided to make all my titles song lyrics. and if you know what song it's from, that's a bonus. i researched more about getting a sleeve tattoo on google. but first of all, ever got the feeling that you don't know how much of a dick you've been until someone is that much a dick to you. i got my first hater reviews. it's seems it was the hot topic of just about everyone's blogs. and almost all of them said that it was a stupid idea. but you know what john lennon said? "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." and i don't want to get caught up in manufactured drama and forget to live a little. i'm completely braced for the fact that i'm going to do stupid things in my life and regret many of them. but if you ask me, regret is proof that you lived. so i'm getting that sleeve tattoo. and from what i've read and heard, it sounds like it's going to hurt A LOT on the underside of my arm. but fuck that, i want a wrap around! it's going to take about 5 hours to get it all at one time. but jensen said he would help us. just the awkward silence on the ride might be the tricky part. i used to be worried about how i'm going to hide it but i had another self realization. it's stupid to hide who you are. and if this sleeve is going to ink a symbol of who i am onto my skin, i don't want to hide it. anyway, i've been more thoughtful and sweet (this post doesn't exactly reflect on that well but you get the idea. or at least people who know me in real life should...) you may remember, but you may not. i can be notoriously dark but i'm trying to establish a better sense of self and i'm finding that underneath it all, the pieces of who i once was are still there. and they play a big role in who i am now. what? i'm a writer! well that's enough for now. tomorrow meena said she would help me find a job. i'm 16 and everyone could use some extra change. i'll have to keep anyone reading this blog updated on my employment. that's all for now. but the new chapter of confessions is coming between monday and thursday so i should be giving you something to read soon. that's weird. the first time i wrote that sentence i speeled "monday" money. i really need a job...

by the way, i'm a little disappointed guys! the blog title is from '...but home is nowhere' by AFI. i AT LEAST expected you to know, kelly! kidding.

in it's stead

i realized that the pre-post captions i put on confessions of a broken heart are getting more frequent and random. so in it's stead i decided to make this blog to post all my thoughts and feelings. i can't promise i won't get mushy and emotional. growing up so close to meena has given me a clear feminine side. and i can't promise i won't mention meena or amy every third word. but for anyone who's seen and or read my past captions on confessions, they're all about those two. so let's start off with a bang. i'm getting a sleeve tattoo or my right arm. yeah, that's crazy i know. but i was up at 4:30 AM talking to meena on gmail and she mentioned wanted to get a confessions of a broken heart tattoo on the "small of her back" a nice way to say just above her ass. don't get me wrong, i'm flattered by her wanting to get my amateur story blog's title of her back. but i've been wanted to get a sleeve for a LONG time. so we're going next week to get tattooed. meena watched some videos on about.com or something like that. she started freaking out when they started to actually ink the guy. but she promised she wouldn't back out! i haven't actually mapped out my sleeve. but i've got time. but not much more time to post. i'll hopefully be able to post on confessions tonight. bye.

by the way, if anyone knows what song the title is from then i'll give them $20