June 18, 2009

so what befalls the flawless?

to let go isnt to forget, not think about, or ignore. it doesn't leave a feeling of anger, jealousy, or regret. letting go isnt winning and it isnt losing. its not about pride and its not about how you eppear. and its not obsessing or dwelling on the past. letting go isnt blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts. and it doesnt leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. its not giving in or giving up. letting go isnt about loss, and its not defeat. to let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on. its having an open mind and confidence in the future. letting go is accepting. its learning, experiencing and growing. to let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. its about all that have and all that you had. letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. letting go is growing up. its realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. to let go is to open a door, clear a path, and set yourself free.

after a long unannounced absence ... Im back. I just havent really been in the mood to blog, honestly. but nevertheless, here I am. new layout, as you can see. just got sick of the old one, really. but heres the updates. the tattoo date has finally been finalized. me and Meena are going to get them sometime in early July. its just better to do it over the summer, anyway. part of me still wants a sleeve tattoo, but Im standing by my chest tattoo. of course, Ive heard theyre really painful but Ive prepared myself for it to be mind-numbingly painful. I mean, its a tattoo for Christs sake! why wouldnt it hurt? but Im still dedicated. dedication is very essential in living your life. I think everyone could afford to have some, so maybe Im just overcompensating. I feel like when I was talking about self discovery and not hiding who you are. of course, I still have secrets that Im not ready to tell anyone, but Ill get there. preferably soon, but the nature of secrets, Ill be completely ready to say it, and then I just lose my nerve. I cant think of a specific secret now, but I know that I have darkness lurking behind my temporary smile. I hope my good nature and playful humor lasts longer. but Im afraid that its a temporary high. what can I say? every day Ill wear my heart on my sleeve. I think that theres a certain level of confidence that comes with baring your soul to the world. Im not sure Im there yet, which is the dilemma. a secret is usually a part of yourself that you hide from the world so in hopes that they see you as a better person than you see yourself. of course, Im standing by what I said in the beginning passage. I need to learn to let go. I need to open that door and clear myself a path. and time is of the essence. but, (at least in my case) all the drama seems to happen over the summer. maybe Ill break down and open my Pandoras box of secrets. until then, I can only often you sincerity and believe that you believe me. and before I go, one other thing. I went back to read some of my old posts just to see where Ive been, and Im thinking ... is it just me, or did my posts used to be a lot more interested? they used to provide fresh thoughts and opinions and give me moments of clarity and release. now, I just ramble and complain. I promise Ill try to make these more interesting and more like my earlier posts. promises ... they really pile up, huh?

PS: the post title is lyrics from the song 'the leaving song part 2' by AFI. hell, I just started writing them at the bottom because nobody guesses anymore.

May 15, 2009

your fingers say to come, but your eyes say I should stop it

there comes a time in all our lives that we lose inspiration. when the reasons not to hope seem to outnumber the reasons to hope. it happens to the best of us. the weak and the strong. and in that time, we find ourselves defenseless. even the strongest of will find themselves unable to see the light. although we know that this is eventual, none of us are able to stop it. but the true light does not come over a period of time. the true light comes from inspiration and hope. passion and drive. will and determination. and no matter how ready we are for it, it will at some point be taken from you. but it is in our darkest of hours, that were able to find those who inspire us the most. those who bring glory and light back into our lives. but it is only in rare moments of true clarity that we're able to recognize them. it is only in complete blackness are we able to see their light.

I think since at heart I am and will always be a writer, I should open all my posts with something like that. anyway. everything has been pretty lax around here. nothing too great, really. nothing really even worth mentioning. except... *sigh* molly. Ive been spending more time with molly lately. she lives next door and she has some obsession with lost causes. apparently, I used to be at the top of her list. the good news is that Im only not number 1 because Im not a lost cause anymore. does that make sense? I was thinking of just spontaneously going over there when Im bored. shes a really sweet girl. seriously, she acts a lot younger than she really is, but shes 15. and Im only 16 even though I act older than I am. (gosh, do I act 27 by any chance??) I guess she acts more like 13 and I act more like 18. bizarre. well, I dont know if her parents would mind me popping in. cassandra's mom seems genuinely afraid of me which is really strange for me. I dont really know anything about her parents. I barely even know her brother, jeremy, that well. so it would definitely be risking my hide to random pop in. yikes, I just hope her parents dont watch SVU. kelly says that me and molly remind her of something she'd see on SVU. no damn, thats nice of you kelly! that of course being sarcasm. on another topic, Ive been getting really anxious about this tattoo. Ill have to talk to meena because I know shes still a little on the edge, but I respect that. not everyone has the same view on tattoos that I do. I respect meena, as I always have and always will. well, since blogs (for the most part) are basically thoughts you bother to write down, I should cut myself off. Ill be posting on Confessions of a Broken Heart soon for anyone following that. Ill try to post more and try to think of something more interesting than my useless musings.

PS: the lyrics are from 'punkbitch' by 3oh!3 since no one bothers to guess anymore...

April 27, 2009

trying to forget everything that isn't you

miss me? Im back from a huge unintentional blogging hiatus. sorry to everyone who reads confessions and wants me to post another chapter. Im about half way done with chapter 9 and I promise you all it by tonight. but this isnt a blog for me to advertise my writing. it's about what I think and if you don't care what I think, why are you reading this? so lets come back to the hot topic of my tattoo. admittedly, yes, Im not going to be getting a sleeve tattoo. but I stand by saying that Im getting a tattoo even if meena isnt coming with me. Im getting a tattoo on my chest. just writing across my chest. its going to say "love doesn't walk away, people do" but I havent planned out the frills. but Ill leave that up to the artist. meena is talking about not getting a tattoo and I would never make her. shes thinking about getting a offbeat piercing instead but Ive been thinking that we wanted to get tattoos. we didnt just want to do something rebellious and offbeat it was about the tattoos. Im hoping she comes with me and gets a tattoo of her own but Im starting to think that she just wont. but in another moment of honesty, Ill tell you. the post title "trying to forget everything that isnt you" is about HER. Ive been really stressed thinking about her and getting really worried. it seems like shes going through something pretty hard but she doesnt want to tell me. I respect that, but weve always told each other everything so its weird for either of us to not want to tell the other something. heh. the more I tell you the more I start getting the feeling and me and meenas story is really typical. Ive always hated stories about the childhood best friend where the girl falls for the guy but it takes the whole book for the girl to tell him and the guy to figure it out. sometimes I worry that me and meena are just one of those. but the difference between whats happening to us and those sarah dessen type books is that this is real. meenas not some whining "feel sorry for me" defenseless girls who in the beginning of the book is rigid and defends herself and then completely flops into being completely dependent. Im not one of those hopeless romantic guys who is always way to romantic with their mushy childhood friend. meena isnt writing hopeless "you don't notice me" poetry well the guy just can't take a clue. the poetry meena writes is always about other people whether anyone believes that or not. meenas not in some unbelievably bad situation that Ill come swooping in and save her from so she can cry into me. so to make a long story short, were not them. but as I said in my last post, I need to know that meenas ok. its a necessity. its not sarah dessen, it's life. real life.